Give me something I can believe
by dorina16able
Summary: The one is preparing for a mission in the Battle of Stohess. The other is getting ready to head for a new hideout. Neither of them knows when they will see each other again and, without knowing what the outcome will be, they both need something to hold on in their dark moments.


**A/N: My God, I sat down to write something more carefree after my last one-shot, but this came out instead :P It's almost four in the morning here, I've been writing for two hours now and it's finished, hope you'll like it, guys ;) Contains a spoiler from the third episode of the second season for those who haven't seen it yet, when Sasha goes to deliver a message to Hanji.**

 **The title is taken from a verse from the song "All I need" by Within Temptation**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan in any way**

"Why are you leaving?"

Jean jumps and a string of whispered curses escapes his lips, startled by the female voice that is heard in the otherwise empty stables. It is still very early, the sun is only now rising and he thought he'd be on his own for a couple of hours before his comrades join him. He barely managed to fall asleep yesterday, influenced by the 57th Expedition, the fight with the Female Titan, the huge losses the Survey Corps suffered and the meeting with Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, Squad Leader Hanji, Moblit, Eren, Mikasa and Armin. Realizing that it was futile to try and go back to sleep, he had chosen to come and prepare his horse already; he surely didn't expect company, much less in the form of Potato Girl herself, who's looking at him with a serious face and a fiery glare.

 _"_ _No one must know of our true intentions save the people in this room,"_ he recalls the Commander's orders. _"Such information can result to our destruction if it lands in the wrong hands."_

Of course, the last person Jean will ever consider 'wrong hands' is Sasha: she may be goofy and cheerful, sometimes to the point of annoyance, but she can be serious if circumstances call for it and she surely can keep secrets. Still, he can't disobey his superior's order and so he wears an unreadable expression and tells her the 'official' truth, the one those who don't know about the mission and the Military Police know. "Well, after everything that happened yesterday in the expedition, with Eren transforming and all…his position in the military is under negotiation again," he tells her, a part of him inwardly congratulating himself for sounding so convincing and another feeling guilty for lying to the girl in front of him; he was never good with lies, he always says things as they are.

"If it was only for Eren's trial, the Commander, Captain Levi and the squad leaders escorting him would be enough! But I'm not stupid, Jean, I saw the nervous glances in the mess hall, I find you getting ready for Stohess too and right now Mikasa's also getting ready in our room!"

"Yes, well, we…we were there during Eren's first transformations and they think our testimonies will help." Jean continues his pretense, though he's feeling guiltier with every second that's passing because Sasha really isn't stupid, she's observant and has a very sharp mind.

"Really? And that's why they're sending the rest of us to some new hideout _without our freaking gear too_?" now Sasha snaps at him, clearly not believing him and Jean wishes he could simply tell her the truth: that nothing is certain, that this may be the last time they're seeing each other, so she can be warned and ready for any possible results. "This is something bigger than a mere trial, isn't it, Jean? That's why you're not telling me, that's why they've forbidden us to take our uniform…they're suspecting something or they think they'll prove something in the inner wall."

 _Damn it, Sasha, why do you have to make this so difficult for me? Can't you just be satisfied with the explanation I'm giving you?_

"You…don't have to worry about all that." Jean sighs in the end and ruffles her tied up hair in a playful way, hoping that this will put her at ease. "You just focus on staying safe, alright? We'll handle the situation in Wall Sina!"

"No! No, stop this, stop trying to fool me, it's not working!" Sasha exclaims and now her voice holds both anger and pain as she pulls her head away from his touch. "You think this will make me feel better than hearing the truth? You got it wrong, this is so much worse and if you can't tell me the truth then don't say anything, just not this!"

She looks like she wants to turn her back towards him, but she doesn't do that; she keeps her gaze steady and directed at him, serious, her eyes holding something like understanding and despair simultaneously: understanding for the fact that he can't talk openly and despair that comes from her worry for all of them, for that instinctive feeling that this journey to Stohess holds much more than everyone wants her to believe. Jean almost feels lost right now, unable to deal with this, who knew that lying to Sasha who's looking at him like that would make him feel so bad? He returns her gaze; it's already nasty enough that he can't confide the intention of this mission in her, she deserves an eye contact at least.

"Look, I'm really sorry, Sasha, I wish I could tell you more. The only thing I _can_ tell you is...is that literally everything can happen in Stohess," he says in the end and this is a part of the truth: the plan to capture Annie may lead either to a decisive victory or to utter ruin for the Scout Regiment with countless potential outcomes in between.

"Literally everything?" she repeats and Jean notices, with another sting of guilt, her hazel eyes becoming suspiciously wet, although she does everything to keep the tears at bay and breaks the eye contact by lowering her head. "So this means that…you can also die there? Is that what you're trying to hide from me?"

 _Now what?! Well done, Kirstein, mission to be vague was a complete failure, you actually hurt her worse!  
_

"It's what I told you. Literally everything. So don't dive into the worst-case scenarios, alright? Be strong, help the others, stop Connie from doing nonsense and don't think about negative outcomes, it will drive you crazy."

"I-I'll try. But it's…it's so difficult, Jean. We lost so many people yesterday…and now you're…you're going to a mission with unknown ending…It's not easy, I-I try to be strong, but sometimes—"

Jean sighs and wordlessly pulls her in a light hug so her head rests right under his chin, his hand drawing soothing circles on her back. She's still relatively composed, steady breathing and no tears, but he knows exactly how she feels, it's the same situation he's constantly facing: trying to be strong for the sake of the others because weakness will lead to their certain deaths…and at this moment he sees Sasha for what she truly is, her fears and her strength and he realizes that her jokes aren't only the result of a naturally cheerful and optimistic character, but also a defense mechanism, a way to suppress her fears and encourage the others and herself.

"A-And with you leaving…and me heading to that unknown shelter without even my weapons…I-I'm seeking for something to give me faith, you know? A small and positive memory to help me hold on…"

"What are you talking about, Sasha?" he asks her tenderly, understanding that wish of hers, small and positive moments can truly help someone in a dark moment, not to mention that her fear for his life makes him shiver, it's as if Sasha wants to say that he's the one helping her find some sort of courage.

The young girl answers his question at once, like she'll regret what she has in her mind if she doesn't act immediately. She slightly raises her head and closes the small distance between them by softly kissing him; a tentative and fragile brush of her lips against his, just like she said: the need to have a small and loving memory in the dark days and nights to come. Jean is taken aback by her action at first, obviously not expecting that—after all, fighting in a war for humanity's freedom has blocked out all possibilities at romantic moments. Right now, though, Sasha's kiss awakens something in him, the dread that he won't see her again, the same need to feel something else beside the fear and the losses; and just when she tries to pull away, he hugs her and gently drags her towards himself again, reciprocating the kiss, which now has something desperate and sad, as if he wants to tell her _Don't leave me, not yet, let me have this moment before I go._

When they pull away in the end they don't dare step backwards, on the contrary, they stay close to each other as if even the smallest distance is unbearable for them. Their foreheads are pressed to each other, Jean is caressing Sasha's cheek and she is grabbing the front of his jacket, her breathing having turned erratic as she still fights against the unshed tears. They know that soon it will be time for Jean to leave for Stohess and Sasha has to prepare herself for the ride to this new shelter, but they try to delay this departure, temporarily lost in their own small world: two fifteen-year-old soldiers who grew up way too quickly and who lost their childhood cheerfulness and adolescent innocence long ago.

"Sasha—" Jean starts, a whisper against her face, but a finger on his lips prevents him from continuing and he stares at her so affectionately like he hasn't looked at anyone these years.

"No, don't. Don't say anything, whatever you want to tell me you can tell when you come back, get it?"

"Sasha—" he makes another attempt because they both know that there's a possibility of him not returning, but Sasha shakes her head so frantically that this time he doesn't continue on his own will.

"Shut up! You _will_ come back, Jean, you hear me? I _don't_ give you the possibility not to, so don't get yourself killed!"

He can't make such a promise and Sasha knows that; hell, she's not even demanding a promise from him. She only needs to say it out loud, to imprint this memory in her mind so she can have something to hope for in this uncertainty the world has sunken into. Jean, on the other hand, feels like drowning in this dance of feelings, it's exactly what he wanted to avoid, it's the reason he's always stubborn and disagreeing and pretending to be composed, but it seems that he can't go back now. The only thing he can do so his feelings don't drive him mental is to turn them into his armor, into a motivation to fight…into a motivation to come back to her.

* * *

The next time they see each other is only a few days later, but it feels like months have passed since that morning, since that moment they both treasure in their memory when the fighting seems hopeless. He doesn't know what Sasha has been through: they have left Stohess in a hurry after the battle, after the news that Wall Rose was breached anew. He had heard Hanji saying to Captain Levi that the recruits who stayed behind would warn the residents and make sure that the villages were evacuated; he trusts Sasha and her skills, after all the girl made it to the top ten of their cadet group, but he can't imagine the agony she's been through.

She arrived suddenly a few minutes ago, carrying a report for the female squad leader, and now she's standing in the middle of the square in Ehrmich District, eating the potato Hanji gave her with an expression of pure bliss on her face. Jean can't help but smile as he observes her from the near distance; Sasha will always be Sasha, even in her moments of despair, a small kindness in the form of food or a pleasant company is enough to bring her smile back—he has to admit he likes her way more when he sees her smiling, a frown doesn't suit her, not her, not the only one who is able to find even the smallest hope in this world.

"Reunited with your best friend, I see," he decided to make his presence known with a teasing comment: they both deserve it after the battles and the fear, they deserve a somewhat happy reunion.

She turns towards him abruptly and when her eyes meet his she doesn't yell at him or tell him to shut up like she used to whenever he joked about her love for potatoes. She only smiles even wider and runs towards him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug which he returns immediately, hiding his head on her shoulders; and all the exhaustion from the hardships he faced in Stohess fades away in her presence.

"You did it, you came back!" she only says as an answer and hugs him even tighter, as if she's afraid that letting him go will make him vanish. Her experience with the Titan in that new village she discovered, the rescuing of that little girl, the reunion with her father who _finally_ told her he's proud, that she's not a complete failure, is still weighing down on her and she tries to forget everything for now. The shiver that runs down her spine doesn't go unnoticed, though, and Jean briefly pats the top of her head in a gesture that's both playful and consoling, exactly what she needs; it's as if he's silently saying that it's normal for her to be scared.

"Recruit Blouse!" an approaching voice makes them break their hug and they both salute Moblit, who's approaching them with a friendly smile towards the newcomer. "Did your commander give you any specific orders? Do you need to relay a message to him or to go join him and the rest of the group?"

"No, sir!"

"Very well. Squad Leader Hanji says that in this case you will come with us. Make sure you get some rest and that your horse is taken care of, we will leave in an hour." Moblit explains, talking firmly like a more experienced Scout should to the rookies, but still with a smile on his face. "I read the report about your role in the evacuation of the villages. You did a good job, recruit."

"Thank you, sir!" Sasha does her best to keep her face straight; she's not used in praise and now both her father and a superior told her that she _is_ capable; Jean, on the other hand, can't help but beam proudly towards her.

Moblit leaves them to attend to other matters and Sasha tells Jean that she will go to feed her horse for the journey ahead. Before she can go, though, the boy stops her by grabbing her arm; it seems that the surprises don't stop for her, because this time it's him who initiates a kiss between them, so different and so much better than their previous one, which was desperate and had its roots in their fear for what they would encounter in their respective destinations. This one, though, is slower, sweeter, without the frantic despair: it speaks of relief that they both survived and of pride for the other's accomplishments and of emotions that overwhelm them in the best way possible, a comfort in the danger around them, a reason to come out of the war alive, a promise to look after each other.

"I believe I owed you an answer, right?" he teases her afterwards and she can't help but chuckle; it feels good to be able to laugh after everything.

"Clearest answer ever."

* * *

 **A/N: Oh, my sweet kids, what are they only doing to me ;) Hope you liked the one-shot, guys, and stay tuned, these two have ruined me so a new story will be up soon :D  
**


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